@@DESCRIPT="Nature by The Stranger" 
                             Nature


     I write this because I need to get this off my chest.  I would
go to someone and maybe bend their ear for an hour or two but I
have no one to go to.  Maybe I could go to a psychiatrist but I'd
be too afraid of the consequences that might bring.  And so I sit
down, pen in hand, white stock paper below, writing you this, my
final letter to you. 
     What can I say now to help make you understand why I did what
I did?  I don't think you could ever understand but I need to try
anyway.  I don't think I could go on with the guilt that returns to
me every waking moment of my life.  I have so many emotions I need
to talk about, so many things I want to say.  Just like the night
I met you.  
     That night I wanted to tell the world about you but their 
wasn't a soul I could call friend.  I had found the equivalent of
the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but I had no one to share
it with, no one to show it off to.  I walked the streets with a
smile on my face as if I had just heard the funniest joke ever and
most pedestrians looked at me as if I was insane.  But no bother,
they didn't know what I had found, if they would have known they
might have smiled along with me.  For that night when I saw you
standing behind a cloud of smoke in a bar I had never knew of
before, I knew I had found love.
     Your eyes, not a shallow blue like the water that flows down 
a creek, but a bright sapphire blue that drew me closer to you, 
made me feel like I needed to touch you and allow the brightness 
of your eyes to shine over me and wash away all my pain.  How I 
resisted from reaching out and rolling my fingers through your hair
I'll never know.  Yellow cotton, soft strands of blond waves that
stretched down past your shoulders into my dreams.  I get
goosebumps even now, just thinking of you.
     And when I came closer to you, not running, yet not walking,
but more like floating towards you on a cloud, I knew I had found
everything I was looking for.  From the arch of your chin to skin
so delicate and smooth like a child's, I wanted to kiss you, to
taste the nectar of your lips, to have them stroll along the
boundaries of my own and stay their until they molded together,
until all around us were gone, vanished, had never been their
before, and we stood alone from the world, watching are lips
connect us to one single soul, one silent being. 
     I introduced myself, going over my name time and time again so
I would remember, and I heard you speak.  An angels harmony, that's
what I heard.  A voice so soft that I shouldn't have been able to
hear a single word in a place where screaming seemed to be the only
way to communicate.  But I heard every word.  Would never forget a
single thing you ever said to me, it meant too much.  
     And that night it had happened, we had become a couple.  You
gave me your phone number and took my heart.  I never thought the
next evening would come, the moment when I could call you and 
once again I could hear you speak.  I heard you answer and say
`hello' and it was as if it was a voice I had heard all my life,
like the warm, nurturing voice of a mother to her baby.  I 
remember I asked you about anything and everything, not necessarily
because I was curious, for I believed I knew everything about you
already, but only because I didn't want the conversation to end. 
I didn't want their to be a moment when you would stop speaking and
I wouldn't be able to hear your voice anymore and then what meaning
would life have without you.  So I talked, I mumbled, anything to
keep you on the line. 
     And time went by, every night I saw you something lit up
inside of me, like a spark that gets lit before the fire erupts. 
I knew I would never get tired of being with you, never get bored
from staring at your eyes, never feel alone as long as I knew you
were only a phone call away.  
     And then I asked the question because marriage would be the
way I could have you near me all the time.  I remember being in one
of my college classes, years before I met you, and the teacher
asked "Why do people get married?"  A hand was raised, then another
and another.  "Companionship, love, financial stability, support,
because your pregnant."  These were their answers, these were the
answers of the college educated, the masses.  No.  I wanted to
marry you because I knew I couldn't breath without you.  Because
every morning I woke and saw that you weren't their with me was
like a pain that tore into my heart.  These were my reasons for
marriage.
     The day came, your friends all there to welcome into holy
matrimony the lovely couple.  I don't think I ever saw you more
beautiful but then again to me you were perfection and so every 
time I saw you, you looked beautiful.  And life went on, with you
by my side, always within arms reach whenever I needed to touch
you, always close enough so I could taste your lips.  
     But things changed.  It was my nature.
     Sometimes my mind is not my own, sometimes all my common sense
just seems to leave me, for moments or for days.  I guess I'm crazy
that way. 
     I tried to stop myself, I had everything I ever wanted in life
and I didn't want anything to change.  But everything changes, the
weather, the seasons, life.  And though I would try, I knew their
was no way I could stop it, their was just no way I could end the
pattern that my life had become.
     The moment, the eternity, before I brought the razor down
across your throat, my life was screaming and pleading with me on
the inside to turn everything around, to stop this madness and come
back to reality.  But with the first trail of blood that the razor
drew I knew it was too late.  And even before your eyes went away
and your skin turned cold, I could already taste the bitter pain of
the tears dropping down my face. 
     And so it was over, I had killed the one thing that meant the
most in my life, you.  And still every day I ask myself why?  And
every time I meet a woman, I know the moment I see her eyes, it
will always end the same way.  And I scream at myself, "why?"
     I guess its just my nature...
     
